Tonight, of all the seven nights to go out and carry on like the common filthy hetaeristic demonic child that I am… I had an extraordinary revelation. True love is pointed directly in all of our faces. We’ve never learned to recognize true love – more than that just considered common. There simply wasn’t a class on it… in-between Home Economics, Sex Ed and Drivers Ed.
Having spent the first 35 years of my life posing in my own self perceived fabulousness, as most of us might have; I came to a conclusion in that horrifically long chapter in my life… say, around 37. I found that I’d never had proper enlightenment, or encouragement to set loftier goals for my future. I was simply put, disregarded… damaged goods… marked down to half price… buy one get one free… unintentionally poised for the probability of being a complete failure…… I was unloved.
At some point during that ignoble young super-sale, say… at 40 years of age, I’ve taken the time to recollect the usual “liberty” visits that my father was awarded during his time defending our country. Since I’m far from being a math wizard, I added and subtracted dates, carried the two, divided by seven, had a drink… and arrived at the reality of me being unplanned. My sister and I were simply a shot in the dark on my parent’s behalf – exactly marked nine months post liberty, times two.
That’s likely is the norm from that era. Regardless, during all the missed opportunities in my life- I was never taught what love is. The expected love and nurturing one might assume from their mother and father. I wasn’t told the many variances of the meaning of said word. Kindergarten love. Real love forever and ever, or even for the moment. Add love at first sight (I’ve always thought that was a ‘crock-o-shit’ – but I’ve experienced it personally). Playful love, perhaps that felt for a family pet. Passionate, desperate, sleep deprived, heart-wrenching unbridled love of a high school sweetheart.
Incestuous love. Love from a trusted neighbor or Pastor. Love from a passerby at the safe haven of a school bus stop. Love improper.
Tonight, at 42.75 years old, during the borderline insanity that is currently my existence – I embraced the meaning of what real love is: the love of my life. As in past tense, I was no where near expectant of where or when this love might have accosted my well worn heart. It came in the form of two Labs and a Hag. For all the finery and riches collected the world over – I couldn’t replace her.You are my sunshine… you are my cloudiest day… you are real.
I love you FILTHY
W
ANd I love you, too Walter.
God, I miss you. The other day would’ve been SUCH a Laurie and Walter day. Primed for us to sit in some filthy, duhty bar and drink our gray matter and hurts and ourselves to oblivion. For a fleeting nano-second, I almost forgot you were gone. It’s going on three months soon and I still can’t wrap my head around your absence…and the Goddamn hole it’s created in my life.
You died because you didn’t want to live anymore. I beat myself up when that reality kicks me in the ass. I could’ve done more..I should’ve done more, but what? You were ready. I have this feeling death isn’t exactly what you thought it would be…there’s such a permanence to it, huh?
Be with me, Baby. It’s been hard being me, without you. You died but my love for you didn’t. You’re still my best friend and always will be..I’m just in the process of learning how to love you in utter absentia.
Play Nickelback for me and I’ll know you’re with me.
I love you, Walter.
Always.
LK